I spy....

Son:  I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'P'

Me:  Give up

Son:  Penis

Me (sighs): OK

Son:  Sometimes my penis goes straight

Me:  Yep that will happen

Son:  How do you know??

Always a good conversation to have at a bus stop

One of the many reasons....

I love my son

Son:  Mummy what does gay mean?

Me: Well, you know how men and women can fall in love and want to be together?

Son:  Yes

Me: Sometimes men fall in love with men and women fall in love with women and they want to be together and we call that being gay.

Son:  Oh ....... Ok

Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me

Me:  Would you like to be famous?

Son: No

Me: Why not?

Son: Because people follow you and take your picture all the time.

Me: Can you name anyone famous?

Son: William Shakespeare

Am I a little proud that the first famous person my son thinks of is Shakespeare?

True, especially as the kids at school thought my impression of,  'We are not amused' was Simon Cowell

A Royal Favour

Me:  What do you know about Charles II?

Son:  He was a party animal.

Are we there yet?

In the car...... at the end of a monologue....

Son:  and it hit him right there, you know, where men pee from..... the peeeeeeeenis

.

.

.

.

.

Son: Shall I put the radio on?

Me:  Oh yes

Do you wanna be in my gang?

Son:  I'm going to start a gang with my friends at school

Me:  What's it called?

Son:  Don't know

Me:  What are you going to do?

Son:  Don't know

Me:  Who's going to be in it?

Son:  Don't know ..... I know, it's a bit of a problem

Oh, how we laughed...

Son:  I was guffawing

Me:  Guffawing?

Son:  It means a really big laugh ......... what are you doing Mummy?

Me:  I think it can be best described as guffawing.

Kills all known germs...

Son:  I have PE today so I've put some detergent on.

Me:  I'm hoping that you mean deodorant?

Son: Yep

message in a bottle

Son has been set a creative task to write a message in a bottle for homework (creative writing for autistic kids - beg's the question  WHY??? - it's like pulling teeth)

Me:  You've not written much

Son:  It's a small bottle

Look after the pennies...

Son:  Did you know that Britain is in debt? (with the 'b' pronounced)

Me:  Do you know what debt is?

Son:  It's when you owe money that you can't pay back.

Me:  Are you in debt?

Son:  Of course not, I'm a boy I don't have to worry about money.

Me:  Must be pretty good being a boy.

Son:  It is really ......... apart from school

The Naked Truth

Son:  You nearly saw me naked Mummy - lucky I kept my socks on!

Leeroy Jenkins

If I had a daughter instead of a son I would never have known what this means.  

I could have lived quite happily in ignorance

Ahoy Ahoy!

Is it a bad thing that I allow my son to field all junk calls on the telephone?  PPI, British Gas, Virgin - they've all had lengthy discussions with said son - usually with him asking, 'Are you trying to sell us something?' until the person on the other end hangs up in despair.

Hat's off though to the Labour Party who hung on in there - always have their eye on the potential voter of the future....

The fairest of them all

Me:  Are you looking at yourself in the mirror?

Son:  Yep

Me:  Like what you see?

Son:  Pretty much

The great white hunter

Son:  I'm going to practice my hunting

Me:  You don't want to hunt animals do you?

Son:  No ... I'm hunting people

Send her victorious

My son asked me this morning what all the fuss was about over the Diamond Jubilee.  

As he wouldn't appreciate the, it's an extra day off work sentiment I told him that it was history in the making and he would remember this time when he was older.  It's crap, but you know, when they ask a question you've got to come up with some kind of answer.  

Unfortunately for me I can remember the Silver Jubilee, dressing up and wearing a crown made of milk bottle tops.  His response?  What's a milk bottle top?  

I think I just aged 10 years in a single conversation.

To protect and serve II

Son to police officer:  Excuse me, but my mother just crossed the road when it was a red man

Police Officer:  Should I give her a smack?

Son:  Yes

To protect and serve

Son:  When you sing it turns the air toxic.  The song police are going to arrest you and hit you with sticks.

Me:  Is that what the police do?

Son:  Yep

Punch and Judy has a lot to answer for

Murder most foul

Son:  I don't think that I'm going to murder anyone

Me:  Why?

Son:  I don't like blood

Me:  As your parent I feel it's important to point out options to you - ever thought of poison?

Son:  Hmmm...

War games

Son:  I've just found a new game to play at school

Me:  Is it a game you're allowed to play at school?

Son:  No, but it's only an obstacle game about dodging things

Me:  like bullets?

Son:  and missiles....

Demon drivers

Me:  Needs must when the devil drives

Son: What sort of car does the Devil drive?

Off topic - but needs to be said

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2012/may/24/academies-refusal-pupils-special-needs?fb=native&CMP=FBCNETTXT9038

This really does piss me off to such an extent that I feel a Michael Douglas 'Falling Down' meltdown on the horizon

Time after time

Son: I'm building a time machine

 Me: Where are you going to?

 Son: Back in time 

 Me: Ok, any time in particular 

 Son: I'm going back to all my bad days to change them to good days 

         Did you have any bad days at school? 

 Me: Yep, but none that reached quite the epic porportions of yours 

(I refer you to the bill for reattaching the quiet room door)

Homework....... or not

Son:  I want to show my teachers all the work I've been doing over the half term

Me:  Have you done any work over the half term?

Son:  No

City of Angels

Me:  I've been to Los Angeles

Son:  How did you find it if it was lost?

I'm talking to you stupid...

Son:  I took a look at the neighbours bonfire and it appears to have diminished  [PAUSE]  that means has got smaller

I can only imagine that I looked confused with the use of a three syllable word.

Appropriate heroes

Me:  That mustache makes you look like Hitler

Son:  What's wrong with that?

In the beginning....

Someone told me that I should start a blog....

Write about things that your son says she said......now either she think that my son is brilliant or she is trying to stop me talking to her about things my son says - I suspect the latter.  

So blame her, this was her idea.

To son:  What does adopted mean?

Son:  It's when children's owners take them to an orphange at night and leave them on the doorstep.  Then they knock on the door and run away